Oh dear judgement. We are not even aware most of the time that we are doing it, but each of us will at some point in our life, or many points, be guilty of judging ourselves.
Ever said: How could I have been so stupid? I did it, but it could have been better? I am not even going to start, because …? How about when fear kicks in and we already start backtracking because we feel we are not good enough? And the all-time favourite of judging ourselves by the view we think the “world out there” will hold of us? What will they think?
Judging ourselves is so subtly part of our lives that we are most of the time not even aware that we are doing it, BUT it affects every aspect of our life. Every time you diminish yourself, you are sitting in judgement of yourself because you feel you are not good enough, you are not worthy, or you are not deserving. Be it in career, friendship, love, or sport, we do it across the board on any level of our life.
Judgement leads to stress and anxiety.
There is an old saying that goes something like this: When you live in stress, you are worried about the past. When you live in anxiety you are worried about the future.
And what is that thing that we worry about?
Worry is mostly about what we did not do, according to us from our current point of view and knowledge now, or we worry about how we will perform in the future. Can we do it? The thing is the fear of acceptance of the larger world because we fear their judgement. If we really did not care about the people out there, we would not fear failure, because we will know that it was only a lesson. There is no failure – there is only lessons.
And today, we face a real, global rejection through Cancel Culture, because Cancel Culture is judgement on my view, the way I perceive and experience life, but mostly about my individualism.
Why do we judge?
Because we have been conditioned and have accepted that we live in a world where there is only right vs wrong / good vs bad / positive vs negative. Everything in our world we view from the point of is it good or bad, is it wrong or right for me in accordance with the populace standpoint so that I do not stand out. We crave and search for acceptance – mostly our own acceptance of ourselves. And while we search and we are not secure and comfortable with ourselves, we apply it to everyone and everything out there. We are not talking about murder and fraud here, but is anything else so black and white that it is wrong or right for everyone?
The moment you sense that you might “overstep that line” and move into the opposite path of where you are, you start judging yourself, because you have just done so for the other person out on the street. You fear the reality of being “cancelled”. You begin to fear being an individual who experience life in your own unique way. An individual who learns at their own pace, who will mix thing up as and how you want to suit you.
The oldest form of psychological bullying – exclusion. Exclusion that will ensure you judge your every move and thought, because we cannot stand apart and be “cancelled”.
Now, what if we view the opposite as exactly only that?
Opposites are there to show us what we like and what not. What works for us and what not. What makes us feel good and what not. It promotes my individualism – it allows you and me to not conform and become part of a predominantly grey or white society. Opposites provide you and I with the opportunity to be colourful.
How will you know if you like a certain brand of chocolate over another if you have not tasted it? Do you judge people who like the one you do not like? Most likely, but is that necessary? What difference does it make to your life? What about cars, TV programmes, clothing, the way you communicate, hold your phone, drive, eat, etc., etc., etc.
It applies to everything in our life, big and small, personal, or material. If you constantly sit in judgement of other people, how will you suddenly not be in judgement of yourself. It has become you second nature.
What is second nature? It is a habit. How do we know it is a habit? You do it without realizing, it has become your status quo, and to stop, you must make a conscious decision not to do it and then be aware of your every action or thought towards it.
And once we have bought into judgement, we create a fear within us, that we might be judged should we do the same. And here you start your path on stress and anxiety. Eventually you will become paralyzed by your fear, and now you are open to manipulation and control. Not only that, but your health will also decline because stress and anxiety can directly be linked to a diminished immune system.
How do I remain an individual and give myself a break?
1. Opposite it is only information. Anything that is opposite to what I am used to, opposite of what I belief, opposite of how I act – anything that is opposite is only information. That information provides me with an opportunity to either accept or reject, even partially. We only live in a black in white world if we are insecure and we are in fear.
2. If I judge you, I judge me. Learn early on, with inner self talk, and forming a habit of judgemental talk, that it cannot be switched off from external talk to internal talk. Angry people are angry at society, but mostly at themselves. Sad people are sad – for society but rooted in their own sadness. If you sit in judgement of other, you sit in judgement of yourself and you limit your own future.
3. I love myself unconditionally. Unconditionally should never be confused with self-serving or narcissism. Unconditional self-love in its core means that I love myself enough that I will not allow any negative thought or action from my side to limit myself. In doing that, I will not do it to you, because everything starts with me. Love yourself unconditionally so that you can allow the rest of humanity to be.
4. Learn to be kind to yourself. So many people do not know how to be kind to themselves. In fact, I have seen how many people well up with tears when I say: Remember, always be kind to yourself. You will make mistakes, you will be lazy, you will be rude. Remember to learn the lesson, acknowledge your part in it, and move on. Regurgitating on it will not take it away – it will in fact make it bigger.
I always have attempt to pull the theme together here, but all that I want to say today is:
Be kind to yourself.
Sue Leppan
Transformation Life Coach
NLP Practitioner
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