On my Saturday morning date with myself, I sat at a table next to a family. I am often one of those scary people in the coffee shop that sits and stares into nothingness while I drink my coffee. On Saturday, I did stare into nothingness, but I did also overhear the conversation at the table next to mine.
The daughter (in her twenties I would say) was telling her parents that she thinks her best friend acted in a way that she does not agree with. Mom asked a few more questions, Dad sat quietly and listened. Then the whole story came out. The best friend had met a new guy, and she really wanted for this young man to like her. From what I could gather, the friend does not have a very stable family/home life.
What did transpire, was that something traumatic had happened. And although all the girlfriends were in shock about it, this girl chose to suppress the event, did not leave the boyfriend to be of support to the friends (and in the process receive support herself), and only met up with all the friends later. She told the friends that she did not want the young man and his friends to think that she is weak and could not deal with the emotional trauma. She did not want this young man and his friends to even know about it.
And I sat there, wondering (staring into nothingness), what did this girl (the one meeting up with the “new guy”) just done to herself? What belief did she just there and then, instill in herself? And worse, how is this action, this moment in her life, going to play out in the rest of her life.
It is not my place to give more information about the traumatic event, but I can assure you, that it was life changing. This young lady’s friends needed the group to be together at that moment. They needed to draw support from one another. She is part of this group. She needed the support just as much as they did.
But, she “denied” the happening of this event.
What must have been playing off in her mind, in her heart?
This is not something that happens only to teenagers. This happens to people of all ages, all the time. We are so scared of being perceived as weak, as dependent, not an individual and in control. And all of this leads to one outcome : we are so desperate to belong, that we sell ourselves on a daily basis.
In our work, in our marriage, in our friendships. How often do you keep quiet and pretend something did not matter, just to keep the peace? To not loose the friend, boyfriend, husband or job? When you reach that stage, you are selling yourself on the open market.
And your price is too cheap!
Your life, your feelings (emotions), your needs, matter. It cannot matter at the expense of another person, but they matter.
So often I work with people, where they have put their biological family aside for a spouse. Where they had stopped taking part in certain sport activities, for a boyfriend or girlfriend. And this behavior goes back many years, and it had formed our behavior way back, where we decided the first time to act in this way. That decision becomes you and we put ourselves out as bait for a bully or a manipulator.
Eventually that decision will become her whole life. That decision she made there, with that decision she denied herself the right to live. To be alive. To feel. To care. She had to be good enough in that moment, so when is she ever going to be “good enough”? Next time around, what will be the price of what she gives up about herself?
I see it often, people who do this, become emotionally dead.
That means, in the long run, they will suppress their emotions to such an extent, that they will no longer “feel” them. Because if they do, they are open to manipulation. They are open to emotional abuse. And to survive, the emotions get pushed down deeper and deeper.
Stop it now.
1. Selflove. The greatest lesson here, is to have selflove. Would you expect it from someone you love, to deny their hurts, sorrows, happiness, joy? So why do you expect it from yourself? Selflove is not self-centered. Selflove is not self-obsessed. Selflove is soft and kind, understanding and accepting. Selflove is knowing when to pull yourself up by the collar, and when to hug yourself for making it through this day. Selflove is acknowledging all that is you. All of it. We always say – only by loving yourself, can you know how to truly love another. What happened in the scenario above just now? This young lady, denied her own love for herself, and in the process? She denied her friends love as well.
2. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Honestly, if that young man and his friends, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your spouse, cannot support and understand when you are broken and in shock, run. When you cannot allow yourself to be true in a relationship, run. If your partner cannot support you in times of turmoil and struggle, run. Chances are, they will also not support you in times of great joy and happiness. Run as fast and as far as you can go – this is not a good place to be. Run, till you are alone. Run, until you can only hear yourself. Run until you know yourself. Go to a “place” within yourself and find yourself. Hear your inner voice. Know your loves and dislikes. Be comfortable in your own skin. Never be scared to be alone. Know your loyalty and honour. Know your strength. To yourself and to everyone around you. Alone does not have to be lonely. Alone is truly a place of strength. Alone is power.
3. Acknowledge your emotions and needs. We are emotional beings. I heard someone say the other day: We stopped being, beings. We have become doings. We do everything we think everyone else expects of us. We do all the things we think is right for other people. We stop being human beings. We stop feeling and we stop hearing our inner voice calling out to be heard. Through this process, we start living a life of never being satisfied, never being fulfilled. Why? Because we always answer to other people’s needs and emotions and we deny our own. Know what makes you happy and sad. In that moment, claim it. Your strength comes from here.
4. You are enough. In the world we live today, people are more lonely than ever before. People feel more inadequate than ever before. We sit in our homes with our technology “belonging” to the greater world, but not belonging anywhere. The fear of not belonging, and yet we create a world for ourselves filled with "not belonging". You are enough. You belong to you. You do not need to belong to anyone. You are enough.
I can only hope this young lady finds someone who can explain to her what happened to her that day. I pray that she will find a kind soul one day, who will not use her need for belonging, against her to gain in his life. I wish for her to find that inner strength and the power that is she.
Live your life. Do not deny your life.
Transformation Life Coach
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